Seems Like I Should Be Getting Somewhere

I have been doing a ton of reading lately.  Mostly this is because I find my thoughts taking me in directions I’d rather not go.

This nonsense with The Landlord has monopolized an enormous amount of time and energy.  Just a few days ago we went to court for the case in which she assaulted Tim.  She brought two “witnesses” with her to court to “straighten out the situation.”  What’s funny is that neither of those people were present at the time of the assault and their only insight into the situation was what The Landlord has told them.  I can’t imagine what their testimony would have involved, but I’m a little glad they didn’t make it to the witness stand, because I had previously thought better of the both of them.

Instead, The Landlord struck a plea bargain with the prosecutor.  In exchange for a guilty plea, she got six months of probation.  That’s fine with me, but frankly, I can’t imagine her staying out of trouble for six months.  Her temperament is such that she’ll probably have to take heavy doses of anti-anxiety medications in order to keep her mouth shut and her hands to herself.

If her laughter as she left the court indicates anything, I guess The Landlord somehow views her guilty plea as some sort of victory.  I would personally consider that a loss, but hey, more power to her.

She later told one of our roommates that the plea bargain was “her idea” to “spare everyone the stress and misery.”  Er… okay?  You can’t argue with Crazy (which is the main reason I haven’t spoken to her in months).

Other areas of life continue to baffle me.

I am having some issues with my church.  That’s not to say that I’ve had any type of disagreement with anyone associated with the church or anything like that.  I just find myself questioning whether this is the right place for me.  I have a long list of pros and cons and possibilities.  The bottom line is that despite feeling that we were led to that particular church, I’m not sure I agree with their pet causes and internal politics.

There are a lot of good things about the church.  Their adult education program is amazing, and the pastors are energetic and engaging.  There are many opportunities to get involved and they do some positive things.  We’ve become friendly with several other members.  But I feel like there is a serious gap in one particular area, which I won’t specify because this is, after all, a public place.  But that area, while of minor to no importance to the church leadership and apparently a large amount of the congregation, is  deal-breaker for me.  As in, it’s the backbone of my faith and my perceived reason for living.

I’m not quite ready to hand in my name tag and leave the church, mostly because I’m putting at least some stock into the idea of “there’s a reason for everything.”  I ended up here for a reason (hopefully).  Maybe hearts and minds will change about this particular subject, or maybe… I don’t know.  Maybe it’s something I’m supposed to spearhead.  Maybe not.   I’m quietly watching and waiting, and really REALLY dreading the idea of leaving this church to integrate into a new one.

I’m also kind of down about my stupid health issues.  All of the different medical professionals I see have finally come to a consensus on the subject of my hip, which is that it needs to be replaced.  They do not agree on a timeframe.  Some say the sooner the better, and others say I should wait as long as possible.

I also  need to have a fusion done on my right ankle, as it has not improved.  I still have severe neuropathy and “drop foot” and the broken parts healed… quite horribly (and only partially).  Even the right arm, which snapped in half and was the least traumatic of my injuries, has improved but not completely healed.

So basically, the last entire year of my life… All of the misery, the suffering, the indescribable unstoppable fucking PAIN, the so-called “healing” and the therapy… IT’S ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING.

Literally, I am going to have to do it all over again.

I have come as far as I’m going to come and it’s not good enough and I have to start all over again.  The catheter, then the bedpan, and the agonizing months of recovery time.

And even this will not “fix” the problem.  I broke my pelvis in three places and it will never be the same.  The fusion on my ankle?  It will hold my foot at the appropriate angle and I won’t be able to bend or flex it.  I can’t now and I won’t be able to post-surgery, either.  I will still be a damned cripple.

I really just want to run away.  Except that I can’t run.  Ha ha ha.

And this is why I spend all my time with my nose in some book or the other.  Reality is a bit too painful for me right now, mentally and physically.

I am exhausted but I can’t sleep.

This is why God created scientists who invented sleeping pills.

Posted on February 24, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I find you quite amazing with all that you have gone through & are going through. Personally, I think that you are meant to write. Write a book. It’s a feeling I have had for a long time. I am currently reading The Girl’s Guide To Homelessness – you may have heard of it or not – google it if you haven’t. This young woman ended up homeless due to a variety of factors & started a blog which has now turned into a book. You have a story to tell also.

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